Bittersweet

This post is going to sound pretty weird, but maybe some of you will get what I mean.

Have any of you ever had a time in your life where you just KNOW you've changed from months/ years past? You take a closer look at some of the things you've said and done, and it shocks you. 

Because you would have never done it months/years before.

Well, I've just had that experience. 

Before this year, I really let people treat me however they wanted to treat me. I let them walk all over me and say whatever they wanted. I never said anything or fought back.

Why?

Because I was afraid. I was too nice to hurt anyone else's feelings even if they hurt mine time and time again. 

I really didn't know how to stand up for myself because I never really had to before. 

I was so innocent. 

Then 8th and 9th grade happened. Those two years were hell. Why? Because I didn't know how to stand up for myself. At all. 

Those two years really hardened me. 

I hadn't realized it just yet though. 

10th grade was really uneventful actually. 

Then this year happened, and if you've been a follower of mine for a while, you know it was an... interesting I'll call it, year for me. 

That pain of "yesterday," or really a year before, really turned into strength. I wasn't afraid anymore. 

I didn't care so much about hurting the people who hurt me anymore. 

I mean, why should I? He didn't give a crap when he tore my heart out. 

Neither did she back then.

So why the heck am I caring so much when no one else does?

Now the time came when I needed to fight back for myself, and I finally did.

Looking back at some of the things I've said (earlier this week specifically) to this person, I was pretty proud of myself at first. I had actually done it. Finally, I had won a fight. 

It felt so amazing. 

It still does feel amazing.

But, then after a few days, the person who I had to fight back against told me that I was right. 

He told me so many lies this year. So many. And it hurts so much. So, I told him the truth because I was sick of being the only one who was hurt. 

He realized himself that the truth I told him was actually true, and told me about it. 

And now, it doesn't feel so amazing anymore. 

He was cruel to me. I didn't intend to be cruel back but it just.. happened. I couldn't sit here and be walked all over anymore.
I'd already done that once.
Not again. Never.
I know he didn't think twice when he said the horrible things he said to me. He could care less how I feel.
So, why do I feel bad?
Maybe it's the fact that he told me I was right. Maybe it's the fact that I loved him once and still have a small soft spot. Or maybe I just am not as hard as I thought I was, and still care about hurting people who hurt me.

It's bittersweet.
Because when I look back at my 13 and 14 year old self, I would have NEVER had the courage to say the things I said. I would have just taken it.
I was weak. Helpless.
And now, in a similar situation, I decided I couldn't be the weak and helpless one. I needed to stick up for myself.
And I did, and it feels great,  but bad at the same time.
I feel like I've turned into a horrible person.

My friends even noticed the change from then and now.
My one friend who's known me since 7th grade (12 years old) said that I was the nicest person she ever met and couldn't fathom how the heck I was so nice to everyone, even the jerks, and just took everyone's shit.
And now she says that I'm not the same anymore. I'm still nice to people, but I don't take anyone's shit anymore. I stick up for myself and say what needs to be said. I don't let people walk all over me anymore.

It's satisfying to hear, and scary.
I never really intended to turn into a mean person. I don't think I'm mean but I definitely am when I have to be.
And it kinda scares me how mean I can be when I need to.
I'd never be mean for no reason, I always have a reason.
But it still scares me that I'm capable of that when I wasn't just a few years ago.

They say high school ruins you. I don't know if my high school experience has ruined me, or created me.
I like to think it's the ladder.

Sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I just really haven't known what to post. I would do book reviews but they just seem like a chore to me now. You guys can always check my Goodreads. I still do mini reviews on there. 

Hopefully I'll think of more things to say soon. 

Also, let me know if you can see this post/ blog. I've been having some issues.