Saturday, July 21, 2012

Bittersweet

This post is going to sound pretty weird, but maybe some of you will get what I mean.

Have any of you ever had a time in your life where you just KNOW you've changed from months/ years past? You take a closer look at some of the things you've said and done, and it shocks you. 
Because you would have never done it months/years before.

Well, I've just had that experience. 

Before this year, I really let people treat me however they wanted to treat me. I let them walk all over me and say whatever they wanted. I never said anything or fought back.
Why?
Because I was afraid. I was too nice to hurt anyone else's feelings even if they hurt mine time and time again. 
I really didn't know how to stand up for myself because I never really had to before. 

I was so innocent. 
Then 8th and 9th grade happened. Those two years were hell. Why? Because I didn't know how to stand up for myself. At all. 
Those two years really hardened me. 
I hadn't realized it just yet though. 

10th grade was really uneventful actually. 
Then this year happened, and if you've been a follower of mine for a while, you know it was an... interesting I'll call it, year for me. 


That pain of "yesterday," or really a year before, really turned into strength. I wasn't afraid anymore. 
I didn't care so much about hurting the people who hurt me anymore. 
I mean, why should I? He didn't give a crap when he tore my heart out. 

Neither did she back then.
So why the heck am I caring so much when no one else does?
Now the time came when I needed to fight back for myself, and I finally did.
Looking back at some of the things I've said (earlier this week specifically) to this person, I was pretty proud of myself at first. I had actually done it. Finally, I had won a fight. 

It felt so amazing. 
It still does feel amazing.
But, then after a few days, the person who I had to fight back against told me that I was right. 


He told me so many lies this year. So many. And it hurts so much. So, I told him the truth because I was sick of being the only one who was hurt. 
He realized himself that the truth I told him was actually true, and told me about it. 
And now, it doesn't feel so amazing anymore. 




He was cruel to me. I didn't intend to be cruel back but it just.. happened. I couldn't sit here and be walked all over anymore.
I'd already done that once.
Not again. Never.
I know he didn't think twice when he said the horrible things he said to me. He could care less how I feel.
So, why do I feel bad?
Maybe it's the fact that he told me I was right. Maybe it's the fact that I loved him once and still have a small soft spot. Or maybe I just am not as hard as I thought I was, and still care about hurting people who hurt me.

It's bittersweet.
Because when I look back at my 13 and 14 year old self, I would have NEVER had the courage to say the things I said. I would have just taken it.
I was weak. Helpless.
And now, in a similar situation, I decided I couldn't be the weak and helpless one. I needed to stick up for myself.
And I did, and it feels great,  but bad at the same time.
I feel like I've turned into a horrible person.



My friends even noticed the change from then and now.
My one friend who's known me since 7th grade (12 years old) said that I was the nicest person she ever met and couldn't fathom how the heck I was so nice to everyone, even the jerks, and just took everyone's shit.
And now she says that I'm not the same anymore. I'm still nice to people, but I don't take anyone's shit anymore. I stick up for myself and say what needs to be said. I don't let people walk all over me anymore.

It's satisfying to hear, and scary.
I never really intended to turn into a mean person. I don't think I'm mean but I definitely am when I have to be.
And it kinda scares me how mean I can be when I need to.
I'd never be mean for no reason, I always have a reason.
But it still scares me that I'm capable of that when I wasn't just a few years ago.

They say high school ruins you. I don't know if my high school experience has ruined me, or created me.
I like to think it's the ladder.


Sorry I haven't been posting a lot. I just really haven't known what to post. I would do book reviews but they just seem like a chore to me now. You guys can always check my Goodreads. I still do mini reviews on there. 
Hopefully I'll think of more things to say soon. 
Also, let me know if you can see this post/ blog. I've been having some issues. 

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4 comments:

Hira said...

I can totally relate with all that you're saying! Honestly, it's like all that you wrote, it was all about me. I had a bad relationship too this past school year. The difference is that it was my best friend. I used to let people walk all over me & use me. I used to be just like you, super nice to everyone. All my friends warned me that this will hurt me big time but I never listened to them. Guess I learned my lesson now. This 'best friend' hurt me big time. She used me and I didn't want to 'hurt' her so I never said anything. I only existed when she wanted something and it hurt like hell. I finally decided that I wasn't going to take her crap anymore. I told her that and she was like "You've changed so much! You're so mean!" You know, at least he agreed you were right. The way my so-called BFF treated me, I started to think that maybe I was the wrong one here. But then I read your posts and realized that I was not wrong. She was. And what I did was right. I wasn't super mean to her. But I finally stood up for myself, and that felt good.

Don't know if you're going to read my stupidly long comment or comment back, but it kinda feels good to let it all out with no one to judge you. Thanks for writing :) Please keep doing that. You saved me from becoming a door mat for people to walk over.
~Hira

Hira said...

Just wanted to share a picture with you:
https://fbcdn-sphotos-h-a.akamaihd.net/hphotos-ak-snc7/394210_383017751768353_1027072643_n.jpg

Paige said...

@Hira- I always appreciate your comments! and I always read them! Every comment from anyone means the world to me. Wow, I'm so happy for you that you stood up to her! I hate people that just use you like that! So, good for you! You should be proud! Thanks for much for commenting! and wow, that picture is so true.

Hira said...

Thank you! :) And thank you for reading and replying ♥