I'm trying to improve my book Flawed, it lost half it's picks in one day. I'm almost ready to make it private again.I am starting with improving the pitch!
So, I am going to post 2 pitches, if you guys could tell me which pitch you like better, I would really appreciate it! Which pitch would make you want to read this more? Please leave comments!
Pitch 1-
Popularity has a price, it just depends on how far you'll go to pay it.
"Sometimes you trust too many people, and they don't deserve it at all. I've been lied to my entire life, and I'm just finding this out now. Turns out the people I thought I could truly trust, shattered that relationship like a broken vase. I'm stuck in the middle now, not sure where to turn, going insane. Now that I know the ugly truth hidden behind their eyes, I'm hopelessly lost."
Dakota Wright thought she had everything. Popularity, amazing friends, a great boyfriend, the latest fashions, and incredible dancing skills. Once she leaves the dull Rexford High and enters The San Diego School of Preforming Arts, she loses it all. Her baseball star boyfriend and fabulous Rexford friends aren't as trustful as she believed they were. She's no longer a queen- be of the school, and she'll go to new heights to get her crown back. And Dakota thought she was so talented until she met the students at this new school! Then to top it all, a horrible family secret is uncovered that will change how people see her and alter her life forever.
No matter how much Dakota wants to be perfect, she'll always be flawed.
Pitch 2-
Popularity has a price, it just depends on how far you'll go to pay it.
"Sometimes you trust too many people, and they don't deserve it at all. I've been lied to my entire life, and I'm just finding this out now. Turns out the people I thought I could truly trust, aren't really on my side. I'm stuck in the middle now and not sure where to turn. Now that I know the ugly truth hidden behind their eyes, I'm hopelessly lost."
Dakota Wright thought she had everything a girl could ever want. But a switch to a new school to pursue her dream puts it all on the line.
Friendships will be broken, relationships will be shattered, all for a dream that no one understands.
Dakota will go to new heights to be popular at the San Diego School of Preforming Arts. Being perfect and superior is her personal goal. Once she finally thinks she's made it to the top, dirty secrets are uncovered and her life changes forever. People will never look at her the same way again and she can't trust anyone anymore. Being perfect becomes the least of her worries!
No matter how much Dakota wants to be perfect, she'll always be flawed.
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Please let me know which one you like better! Or, if you hate both of them, let me know why! If you like one of them but think it can be improved or have any suggestions for me, let me know! Please leave comments!
Thank you!
5 comments:
I dunno...I don't really *like* either of them. They seem too general and tell-ey. If I pick up a book and it just tells me what happens on the inside jacket, I normally put it back down.
But, If I had to pick, I'd pick the second one.
I agree with Qui, the second one would be better. I read it, and you have more comments than any of my stories have combined together, so don't give up all hope :)
I like the second one better, but I also agree with Evie. A combination of the two would work very well!
Thanks guys for your help!
@Evie- Thank you so much!! I'm going to use that pitch! That helped a ton!
And thanks for the point explaination.. I actually didn't know it worked like that..haha
I'm with Evie on this one xD
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