Monday, May 2, 2011

I need your opinion!

I'm trying to improve my book Flawed, it lost half it's picks in one day. I'm almost ready to make it private again.

I am starting with improving the pitch!

So, I am going to post 2 pitches, if you guys could tell me which pitch you like better, I would really appreciate it! Which pitch would make you want to read this more? Please leave comments!



Pitch 1-


Popularity has a price, it just depends on how far you'll go to pay it.



"Sometimes you trust too many people, and they don't deserve it at all. I've been lied to my entire life, and I'm just finding this out now. Turns out the people I thought I could truly trust, shattered that relationship like a broken vase. I'm stuck in the middle now, not sure where to turn, going insane. Now that I know the ugly truth hidden behind their eyes, I'm hopelessly lost."



Dakota Wright thought she had everything. Popularity, amazing friends, a great boyfriend, the latest fashions, and incredible dancing skills. Once she leaves the dull Rexford High and enters The San Diego School of Preforming Arts, she loses it all. Her baseball star boyfriend and fabulous Rexford friends aren't as trustful as she believed they were. She's no longer a queen- be of the school, and she'll go to new heights to get her crown back. And Dakota thought she was so talented until she met the students at this new school! Then to top it all, a horrible family secret is uncovered that will change how people see her and alter her life forever.



No matter how much Dakota wants to be perfect, she'll always be flawed.



Pitch 2-


Popularity has a price, it just depends on how far you'll go to pay it.


"Sometimes you trust too many people, and they don't deserve it at all. I've been lied to my entire life, and I'm just finding this out now. Turns out the people I thought I could truly trust, aren't really on my side. I'm stuck in the middle now and not sure where to turn. Now that I know the ugly truth hidden behind their eyes, I'm hopelessly lost."


Dakota Wright thought she had everything a girl could ever want. But a switch to a new school to pursue her dream puts it all on the line.


Friendships will be broken, relationships will be shattered, all for a dream that no one understands.


Dakota will go to new heights to be popular at the San Diego School of Preforming Arts. Being perfect and superior is her personal goal. Once she finally thinks she's made it to the top, dirty secrets are uncovered and her life changes forever. People will never look at her the same way again and she can't trust anyone anymore. Being perfect becomes the least of her worries!



No matter how much Dakota wants to be perfect, she'll always be flawed.




__________________________________________________


Please let me know which one you like better! Or, if you hate both of them, let me know why! If you like one of them but think it can be improved or have any suggestions for me, let me know! Please leave comments!



Thank you!









6 comments:

Qui said...

I dunno...I don't really *like* either of them. They seem too general and tell-ey. If I pick up a book and it just tells me what happens on the inside jacket, I normally put it back down.
But, If I had to pick, I'd pick the second one.

Converse said...

I agree with Qui, the second one would be better. I read it, and you have more comments than any of my stories have combined together, so don't give up all hope :)

Evie J said...

First, don't forget how InkPop works. ;) You only need to pick something for 24 hours. After that, it doesn't affect the book's rating in any way, so if you had 20 picks, and now you have 10, you still have all the points from the 20 picks.
Example (made up point values for the example):
1 pick=10 points
5 picks=50 points
10 picks=100 points
8=100 points
3 picks=100 points
4 picks=110 points
You never lose points, and the length of time your project is on someone's picks only helps them with their personal trendsetter rank. The only time you'll get a pink arrow is if someone else passes you in the charts. So don't fret. ;)

Okay, so onto the pitches. Actually, I think you'd have a stronger one if you edited the two together. Try something like this:

Popularity has a price, it just depends on how far you'll go to pay it.

"Now that I know the ugly truth hidden behind their eyes, I'm hopelessly lost."

Popular dancer Dakota Wright thought she had everything. Amazing friends, a great boyfriend, the latest fashions, and incredible talent. But a switch from dull Rexford High to the San Diego School of Performing Arts puts it all on the line. Friendships are broken, relationships are shattered, and Dakota realizes her baseball star boyfriend and fabulous Rexford friends aren't as trustful as she believed.

Once Dakota thinks she’s fought her way back to Queen-Be at her new school, dirty secrets are uncovered that alter her life forever. Popularity becomes the least of her worries because no matter how much she wants to be perfect, she'll always be flawed.

Hope this helps, m'dear! :)

Munch said...

I like the second one better, but I also agree with Evie. A combination of the two would work very well!

Paige said...

Thanks guys for your help!

@Evie- Thank you so much!! I'm going to use that pitch! That helped a ton!
And thanks for the point explaination.. I actually didn't know it worked like that..haha

Anithepirate said...

I'm with Evie on this one xD