Wednesday, June 22, 2011

I need some help with writing...

Hi guys. So as you know I've been working on my new story Flawed. I've been getting some critiques lately that I don't understand. Maybe you guys can help me?

-Some of your dialogue seems forced and unreal, and some of it comes off immature and childish. I knee they're tenth graders, but they would still have mature conversations. Also, sometimes the story doesn't flow well. It gets choppy and jumpy in some places.

-I know I should be giving you things you should improve on, and the only thing that would be is to make your dialogue sound more natural.

-I noticed a few things in this chapter. in the beginning of this chapter the speech doesn't feel natural, so maybe try making it sound like an accent or possibly adding little turns of phrases because it feels very…mechanic to me.

I figured since I got this same critique three times.. I need some help. I've never gotten this critique before so I don't really understand it.

If anyone would be willing to take a look at Flawed and give me some examples of "unnatural dialogue" or where it sounds forced, I would REALLY appreciate it. Those people didn't give me any examples, and I really want to fix it!

PLEASE HELP! I'll do anything in return! Read your book, edit some of your book, whatever you want! Or if you just love me and I don't have to to anything.. that'd be great too.. :)

You can view Flawed here.

11 comments:

Converse said...

I checked out the dialogue and nothing seems unnatural to me. In fact, I think the dialogue is perfect. The Dialogue you wrote is modern day stuff. I see how it might be considered different, but I like the way it is! I'm probably not the type of person to notice unnatural things or edit a book, but I honestly see nothing wrong with your dialogue.

Qui said...

I would check out your dialogue but I can't view anything on inkpop. You can always email it to me. xD (PS: Did you say your story has 17k words? Cause I would take that to edit if you want!)

Anyway, mechanical dialogue is just...it doesn't sound natural. Often times, if you say it outloud and it sounds weird and not something you would say in real life, then it's mechanical and unreal.

Qui said...

Reply to your comment: I'd be happy to help! Email away! xD

Taylor Lynn said...

Are there any specific chapters that people critiqued? Because I could probably check out a specific chapter for you... but I don't think I have enough time to spend on the computer to read it all. If you emailed it to me, though, I could probably print it out and read it, give you my opinion...?

Paige said...

@Taylor, I think chapter two was one of them.. could i email you that? What's your email?

Sam said...

I think the book is awesome :) I LOOVEE the cover page :)

Taylor Lynn said...

My email is taylor.cope96@yahoo.com... I'd love to read the whole thing, if you could send it to me. :) Though I won't be able to open it on my computer unless it's a PDF file or a Microsoft Office Word 2003 file... what do you use to type your work up?

Taylor Lynn said...

Okay, LOL... this is going to sound really really stupid. But I think I just accidentally deleted the email you sent me - it got sent to my spam, and I noticed it just while I was emptying my spam box. SORRY! I didn't mean to make more work for you! :P Do you think you could resend it? I really will try not to delete it this time. ;)

Paige said...

I just resent it! It's fine lol

alaw said...

Besides some dialogue at the beginning that doesn't sound quite natural, it's really good. I just prefer writing that doesn't have words like "sh**" in it.

Taylor Lynn said...

Thanks, Paige! I'll try not to take TOO long getting back to you, LOL. ;)