Sunday, December 11, 2011

Scared of what is to come..

So clearly, it's not November anymore.
No, really?!
And that means, my first NaNoWriMo has come to a close.

The last 11 days without writing a single thing has felt pretty great. No pressure over my head to meet a deadline, no rushing to get my word count in, no worrying if any of my words make sense, and not worrying whether if it's any good or not. 

I've been able to get a lot of reading done, post more often, etc. It feels pretty awesome and relaxing. Doesn't it, other NaNo people? I'm sure you all agree with me. 

Now, that's it's December, everyone is calling it "The Month of Editing," or something along that line.
And I am so. Freaking. Scared. 

Like the new cover? 

When I first started writing Fix You, I was actually really happy with it. The writing was to my satisfaction, and everything was going decent.
Then, I began to inch near 30,000 words, and it all just went like this-


Just totally downhill... or down the stairs you could say.
My writing lost it's flare, because I was just writing. My creative juices weren't flowing, I had no amazing ideas or any inspiration what so ever. I was just writing to meet the word requirement. 

It tore me apart on the inside. As I said in this post back on November 5th, my writing strategy is writing a few paragraphs, then going back and doing some major fixing up.

And with NaNo, I couldn't do that. 
So, I'm basically like this the whole time. 

It took a large amount of effort to silence my inner editor. 

And now since it's the month of editing, I should be happy, RIGHT?

I'm so afraid! After retrieving my NaNo novel from my old hard drive and putting it onto my new computer, I haven't looked at it since. Since November 30th, that novel has not been touched. 

That's what makes me so frightened.
Using the Write or Die app, I was forced to write without stopping, and then I'd paste it into my book and keep on going, without even looking back at the paragraphs for things to fix and make better. 
So, I have a really bad feeling that when I go back and look at my writing, I am going to cringe, wince, and just punch myself, because it's going to suck.

I tend to be a very insecure, not confident, and self loathing person. So this isn't going to be great for my already lacking self esteem. 

I am hoping it won't be as bad as I'm expecting, and I can try to make it more exciting and enjoyable to read. Right now it's lacking excitement for one thing, and that beauty and emotion I wanted this book to have. 

Fix You started out as a "Plot Bunny"- explained here on Taylor Lynn's blog, That just WOULD NOT get out of my head. 

The story I was supposed to be working on was Flawed, well, that's gone now.
My personal plot bunny did one heck of a job.

So, having this plot bunny for Fix You in my head made me super excited for NaNo to start, so I can get going with writing this novel that seemed so great and exciting at the time! 

Now.. not so much..
I'm really glad the word count was only 50k, because I just began to hit the road block I usually hit where I have no more ideas.

I am not going to let this road block get to me like it did with Flawed, though, I am going to work hard and try to become inspired!
I can't give up!

But.. I'm scared..

So, how about you guys? Have you edited your novels at all since November 30th? How's it going? Or are you just going to forget about it and move on? Let me know in the comments!

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Devin said...

I'm sure it's great! And if not, so what? Sure, you put a lot of time into it, but think about the experience. I doubt many writers write a novel and have it published the first time! The bright side is that you grew from the writing and now you've learned more about your style.
I'm sure it's fabulous! :) I'd be happy to help edit or whatever if ever nessecary.

Taylor Lynn said...

Oh, goodness. I know exactly what you mean! I had big plans for this novel, and they just didn't happen. ;) And I don't think I've glanced at "Song of the Freelanders" since NaNo ended, either! It tends to make me cringe. And I am NOT ready to edit it yet...maybe not ever, haha! We'll see.

But that's the spirit, Paige - DON'T GIVE UP! You can finish "Fix You", and just think how rewarding it'll be when you do get to the revision stage. You'll be like YES! You'll have the framework, and you'll just have to reshape the rest of it a bit. ;)

Sending a hug!

Christa said...

Hang in there and go read Stephen King's On Writing. He suggests you not touch a first draft until three months after. I think this might be a good idea. Clear head. Clear ideas. Go have some fun.