Saturday, October 8, 2011

The real me is in hiding

Maybe I'm not the only one who feels like this. I wouldn't be able to ask anyone else except all you bloggers, because no one else knows the real me.
This is totally true. I act like a totally different person whenever I'm near my friends at school. I barely even recognize myself sometimes. It's scary, that the real me is covered up. Does it make me fake? No, it means not everyone I know knows every little thing about me. 

Sorry for the swear word there, but the other words express my point the best. I feel like every time I open my mouth in school, I'm going to get judged. I do get judged. Everything EVERYONE says is judged. 

I try not to do it, because I know how I would feel. But, it's hard sometimes. Like for example, when I ask a lot of questions in Chemistry, everyone thinks I'm stupid. No... I actually want to fully understand how to do it and actually pass the test. I'm not stupid, I just don't get it. Or when I write a 7 page story for English class, everyone looks at me like I'm some crazy freak. 

I mean, why does it have to be like this? Why for example, does someone think you're weird if you're always reading books? Or constantly listening to music? 
Sometimes I think, what would people say if I said I write books? That I finished one before? That I wrote thousands and thousands of words on other books I never finished? That I want to be an author? 

I mean, what would they say if they knew I blogged?  It really scares me. 

I don't know if this is a real fear, but if it is, I think I have it. I mean I just want to fit in. I always think if people at my school knew me like my followers do, I'd never have any hope of being considered normal. They'd look at me like I was some weird freak. I mean, who wants people to think of them like that? I don't.  This is why I love blogging, because my followers don't judge me, and they understand. Why can't the world be like a giant blog? 

I always wonder this. I mean what do people think when the see me? Do they think, "Ew, here comes that lame, ugly, annoying freak, Paige," or "Oh, here's Paige," or, "Hey, there's Paige, I love that girl, she's awesome!" 
I'm hoping it's the third one, but what if it's the first? Like, what do guys think when they see me? Especially the guys I like. Do they think I'm ugly? Annoying? Pretty? Nice? Stupid? A part of me wants to know, then a part of me doesn't. 

I feel like if I heard what everyone was thinking of me, I would never want to set foot out of my house again. And trust me, I've heard a lot of what people say about me in the past, and it hasn't had that great of an effect. 

I guess I'm just afraid. Like I'm afraid to admit to anyone, especially my mother, that I have a blog or write books. I know she'd judge me, she'd think something was wrong with me. First, she'd be mad I have a blog in the first place because it's "dangerous," and then she'd be like "Why the heck do you have one anyway? What could you possibly have to say on there? Why would anyone care what you say anyway?" 

No, I'm not exaggerating. She would say that. 

No one is open with anyone anymore. I know I'm not. I know the whole "don't care about what other people think" lesson. But, that's impossible. Everyone cares what everyone else thinks, no matter how much they deny it. I can say I don't care, but I do. 

We all know who that person is in our lives. I'm thinking about her/them right now. I don't know how they do it, but they do. I would never go to school with my hair in a bun like that, or sweat pants. Yoga pants, yes, but never sweats. I care too much about how I look. But, I still don't seem to look as good as those girls. Why is that? Why are they so lucky? How can they just roll out of bed and look beautiful? And get whatever guy they want!? 

I think this is completely true, too. I am definitely my worst enemy. A big part of my lack of self confidence is my own doing. We as people are hard on ourselves. I know I am, and oddly, late at night while I'm laying in bed I say those type of things to myself. It's like this picture was made for me.

I hope one day I can find someone like this. Someone who loves me for me, and I can just openly be myself with. Someone who I can share my passions with and they'll support me. I hope that someone actually exists, and that I meet him soon. 

Well, I hope I could relate to you guys somehow. I hope at least one of you got something out of this. Maybe even if it's just knowing you aren't alone. That someone else is in hiding too, and they're afraid to show themselves. I wish we didn't have to be afraid. It's sad the world is like this. I'm just so tired of being judged, you know?

post signature


Sam said...

Ugh. You're so not alone on this one.
I feel like I have to "be a different person" and plaster a smile onto my face to go to school. I can't just be me, because people can be so judgmental and hypocritical. That's why I have a blog, to just be myself for once.
So annoying...

Marisa said...

This post is SO relatable.

Especially the what would people say if they knew that I write? I mean, I'm lucky that I have a small group of close friends that know about it and support me, but the rest of the school? I get weird looks for liking to read...

I AM that person who sets really high standards for herself, and I'm always way too hard on myself. I'm working on that... it's just it's been tough for me to 'fit in' in the normal sense. I've always been 'smart'. In elementary school I was that kid who raised their hand for every question, simply because I was enthusiastic. I wasn't aware that this was the wrong thing to do. But even today, it's hard to shake that label, and with all the honors classes I'm in, I'm always known as 'the smart one.' Which isn't a bad thing by any means, but sometime I want to be more than the smart one, you know?

About those girls who wear the messy buns and sweats and look gorgeous? SO UNFAIR.

And wondering what guys think of you? So been there. My experience with guys, dating wise, is zero at the moment. Not that there's any datable guys in my grade anyways (and those that are are already taken, obviously)...but there's always that looming, irrational thought that's like "Is it that they find me intimidating or something? Or am I just ugly?"

But what I do have to say is to maybe be more open to telling your mom. She might surprise you. I was terrified for my mom to find out at first, but when she demanded a reason for me being on the computer so much and I finally told her, she was actually really cool about it, and interested. She's proud of me and what I've accomplished on Inkpop. She knows a little bit about my blog, but I keep it vague. She doesn't really *GET* all of it, but it's okay. She's not all YOU'RE WASTING YOUR TIME WHAT ARE YOU DOING like I thought she would be.

Oh... uh, sorry that this comment got so long! Just a lot of the things that you said really hit home. Fantastic post!

Momma Too Many said...


You know what? This post was made for me. My family is kind of - no...very broken right now. Over half of us are on medication of some sort (I am not one.). Sometimes I look so closely and see that my family so fragmented...and wonder if I'll have to be the one to pull it back together. Which I usually am. But most the time, my family doesn't see the real me. My friends sometimes don't even see who I am. This girl who's gotten so good at faking that smile, timing how she says 'Yeah, I'm fine' so that's it's not too fast or too slow and people don't suspect a thing. That girl who's so funny and nice sometimes cries herself to sleep because she sometimes just wants to erase it all, everything before the adoptions, before the medication, before the depression that no one sees. Before life as she knew it was shattered into a million tiny pieces upon the ground.. Before she decided to hide in front of her computer all day, hoping the problems would disappear, but they never do. They never leave. So, just know that you are definitely not alone, Paige, and you have people here - and I'm sure you have people in your life who care about you. If you ever, EVER need or want to talk, you can e-mail me here: (It's my mom's e-mail, since I don't have my own.) And Paige, about your mom? I thought my mom would be judgemental about what I wrote. Turns out, she loves what I write. Just an idea, but maybe you should show her. She's your mom. She loves you completely and unconditionally.

Jolene Perry said...

Amazing post, Paige. We've ALL been here at one time or another.

Something I learned really fast in, and just after college, is that some people peak at high school, and never grow past that.

You are not one of those people.

LOVE this.

Anonymous said...

I know what you mean about wanting to fit in. A few years ago, I REALLY wanted to fit in. My family homeschools, which is different anyway, but that didn't really affect me because my cousins and friends were homeschooled, too. But then my family also began eating differently. Now, we pack food and bring it everywhere because we're all-organic vegans and we don't eat anything with sugar, gluten, artificial ingredients, and more. At first, I was SO embarrassed to bring a cooler of food everywhere. I wanted to be normal so bad.

Eventually, though, I was able to gain confidence in myself, and I decided that hey, I'm eating differently because I want to be healthy. I figured I could either be embarrassed, or I could say, "Well, who wants to be normal anyway?" So I chose the latter.

I don't mean to talk about just me me me here (I do enough of that on my blog, LOL!), but I just want to show that I know what it feels like to think you're not normal. But really, what's normal? Suppose the people you consider "perfect" and "normal" are just as conflicted as you are behind the scenes?

I'm sorry that you feel like this. I've never been to public school, but by the sounds of it there's a lot of judging and bullying and cruelty, and I'm sorry you have to go through that. If you're always thinking about what other people think, though, you might go crazy. There's always going to be someone who thinks badly of you. I'm sure there are people at your school who like you, though!

Last of all, I agree with Marisa. Parents can surprise you sometimes. Let me know if you decide to eventually tell your mom!


Paige said...

@Sam- I'm sorry, and yeah I know exactly what you mean. I love my blog, and that is one of the big reasons why I do. It is really annoying. Thanks for the comment!

@Marisa- Yeah, same here. people think it's so weird that I like books so much. Well um, why do you guys like weed and beer so much? Hm?
2 of my cousins who are like my best friends know I write, but that's it.
Yeah, there's def nothing wrong with being smart. I wish I was smarter! I get what you mean about not always wanting a label. It's annoying.
IT IS SO UNFAIR! Like I wish I could do that! If I went to school looking like that I would just be a mess.
It drives me crazy about what guys think of me. Same here, zero. I've been asked out but never actually had a true boyfriend. Yeah, all the dateable ones at my school are taken too, ugh. Exactly! I have those exact same thoughts.

You're lucky you're mom is like that. Probably one day I'll end up telling her, maybe when I'm out of college... haha :p It's good she'd proud of you over inkpop. I just feel like she'd think I was weird for writing stories, you know?

Thanks for the comment! I'm glad i could be relatable! Don't worry, I like long comments haha :p Why aren't we like neighbors, we have so much in common haha!

Momma Too Many- I'm really sorry your family is like that. You shouldn't have the responsibility on your shoulders of piecing it all back together. That just means your such a strong person though! I'm sorry you feel that way too, but I'm glad I'm not the only one in the world going through it. I swear if I didn't have this blog, I'd be totally depressed. I probably will one day. My writing at least. My blog I'm kinda scared about, because I feel like she'd make me take it down. And if I didn't have this blog, I'd just go into complete depression. Like I love it so much and all of you guys too. Thanks for the comment!

@Jolene- Thank you so much Jolene, I'm glad you think so :)

@Taylor- Wow, you must be like the healthiest person ever! I couldn't live without all my snacks! (Which is why one day I'll probably be fat..) Dancing keeps me skinny now haha. Yeah, that's true. I don't ever want to be totally, boringly, normal. I just don't want to get made fun of, you know? Yeah, if you think about it, what is normal? Maybe they are. It doesn't seem like it, but maybe.
Yeah, be happy you don't go to one, it's not fun. Sometimes I wish I was homeschooled, but I'm not as close with my parents and siblings as you are, so I'd be crazy.

And I will let you know if I ever do, haha, thanks for the comment taylor! Love ya!

Anonymous said...

LOL Yeah, we can seem like health freaks sometimes. ;) But my gramma and step-grampa eat like us, so we're not completely alone. And we were actually able to inspire my friend Graystorm to go vegetarian, which is awesome. :)

And I do understand that you don't want to get made fun of. I guess that's where we're different; with me, I don't have to worry about a whole school judging me if I'm not normal. It's probably a lot harder to be different when you know people will make fun of you for it. :/

LOL I think the reason I'm so close with my family is BECAUSE I'm homeschooled! ;)

Love ya!

Anonymous said...

Don't you wish life was like a book and people could know your thoughts and judge you by that and not by what they see of you? In a book you are in the character's head but in life the closest you get into someone's mind is reading your journal xD.

I agree with most of this post but at one point I woke up and said "The popular kids are jerks. Why do I want to fit in anyways?" and that was that. People may think I'm weird but about 10 years from now I'll be the educated one (you will be too right?) so don't change yourself.

Converse said...

Paige, first of all, YOU ARE BEAUTIFUL! don't let anyone tell you different!

What would people say if you told them you were a writer? Maybe they would say you are crazy! But they are even crazier for not understanding the beauty of words!

I understand the whole thing with your mom and the writing thing. In fact, thats one of the reasons I shut down mine. She would say the same exact things, BUT the last one. If you do ever tell your mom that you have a blog and she says anything rude about how who would care, you have to say something like, "Well mom, they do care! In fact, they are some of the few people who understand me, and they are complete strangers! I know its dangerous, but I'm going to graduate next year, so what do you care!" Im not sure if thats entirely correct, but If I were in your shoes that's exactly what I would say. But Like marisa said, she might completely surprise you :D

I don't get the whole thing with the sporty girls looking flawless thing. I have to admit, I wear basket ball shorts one a week at school on Tuesdays. My friend Tea (pronounced tay-uh) and Cierre are always dressed all sporty and guys come crawling at their feet. ALL of my friends have been asked out by one guy or more, but me. I have never been asked out.

Paige, the right guy is probably waiting for you. He might be a guy at school, a guy you meet at college, or a guy you meet in a coffee shop one day. Just pray that he is a guy who will treat you like the most important person in the word, and call you Beautiful everyday because it's true. Don't worry about love right now Paige. Once you stop searching it will come in time.

I'm so sorry you have to deal with all this stuff, but just have faith :)

Momma Too Many said...

Just a little note, you can call me Nova. :) I share an account with my mom, so that's why my username is what it is.