The real me is in hiding

Maybe I'm not the only one who feels like this. I wouldn't be able to ask anyone else except all you bloggers, because no one else knows the real me.

 

This is totally true. I act like a totally different person whenever I'm near my friends at school. I barely even recognize myself sometimes. It's scary, that the real me is covered up. Does it make me fake? No, it means not everyone I know knows every little thing about me. 

Sorry for the swear word there, but the other words express my point the best. I feel like every time I open my mouth in school, I'm going to get judged. I do get judged. Everything EVERYONE says is judged. 

I try not to do it, because I know how I would feel. But, it's hard sometimes. Like for example, when I ask a lot of questions in Chemistry, everyone thinks I'm stupid. No... I actually want to fully understand how to do it and actually pass the test. I'm not stupid, I just don't get it. Or when I write a 7 page story for English class, everyone looks at me like I'm some crazy freak. 

I mean, why does it have to be like this? Why for example, does someone think you're weird if you're always reading books? Or constantly listening to music? 

Sometimes I think, what would people say if I said I write books? That I finished one before? That I wrote thousands and thousands of words on other books I never finished? That I want to be an author? 

I mean, what would they say if they knew I blogged?  It really scares me. 

I don't know if this is a real fear, but if it is, I think I have it. I mean I just want to fit in. I always think if people at my school knew me like my followers do, I'd never have any hope of being considered normal. They'd look at me like I was some weird freak. I mean, who wants people to think of them like that? I don't.  This is why I love blogging, because my followers don't judge me, and they understand. Why can't the world be like a giant blog? 

I always wonder this. I mean what do people think when the see me? Do they think, "Ew, here comes that lame, ugly, annoying freak, Paige," or "Oh, here's Paige," or, "Hey, there's Paige, I love that girl, she's awesome!" 

I'm hoping it's the third one, but what if it's the first? Like, what do guys think when they see me? Especially the guys I like. Do they think I'm ugly? Annoying? Pretty? Nice? Stupid? A part of me wants to know, then a part of me doesn't. 

I feel like if I heard what everyone was thinking of me, I would never want to set foot out of my house again. And trust me, I've heard a lot of what people say about me in the past, and it hasn't had that great of an effect. 

I guess I'm just afraid. Like I'm afraid to admit to anyone, especially my mother, that I have a blog or write books. I know she'd judge me, she'd think something was wrong with me. First, she'd be mad I have a blog in the first place because it's "dangerous," and then she'd be like "Why the heck do you have one anyway? What could you possibly have to say on there? Why would anyone care what you say anyway?" 

No, I'm not exaggerating. She would say that. 

No one is open with anyone anymore. I know I'm not. I know the whole "don't care about what other people think" lesson. But, that's impossible. Everyone cares what everyone else thinks, no matter how much they deny it. I can say I don't care, but I do. 

We all know who that person is in our lives. I'm thinking about her/them right now. I don't know how they do it, but they do. I would never go to school with my hair in a bun like that, or sweat pants. Yoga pants, yes, but never sweats. I care too much about how I look. But, I still don't seem to look as good as those girls. Why is that? Why are they so lucky? How can they just roll out of bed and look beautiful? And get whatever guy they want!? 

I think this is completely true, too. I am definitely my worst enemy. A big part of my lack of self confidence is my own doing. We as people are hard on ourselves. I know I am, and oddly, late at night while I'm laying in bed I say those type of things to myself. It's like this picture was made for me.

I hope one day I can find someone like this. Someone who loves me for me, and I can just openly be myself with. Someone who I can share my passions with and they'll support me. I hope that someone actually exists, and that I meet him soon. 

Well, I hope I could relate to you guys somehow. I hope at least one of you got something out of this. Maybe even if it's just knowing you aren't alone. That someone else is in hiding too, and they're afraid to show themselves. I wish we didn't have to be afraid. It's sad the world is like this. I'm just so tired of being judged, you know?